Tuesday, November 5, 2013

Goodbye, Daddy

I actually wrote this over a month ago, most of it, but I couldn't post it. I'm posting it now to have it up, so that I can go on to another post. Sometimes, you have to finish something to move on to the next. Sometimes, there's no way to just drop something, and you get stalled.

    From the beginning, you were different. I don't mean all the out-there, fun, witty, and whacky ways you were different. I mean in the way you didn't just ignore my child, or resent her presence nearly every time you saw me.
     You actually liked her. She a challenging, sweet, difficult child, and you liked her. You accepted, from the start, that SHE was always going to be my focus. That I would drop any plans in a second if she needed me. That you would have to find the ways to fit into my life, and it would never be the other way around. You loved her oddness.
     I can remember when I told her we were moving in together, she asked me if that meant she could call you daddy. Later that night, at dinner with you both, I said, "B wants to know if she can call you daddy, now." And you turned to her and smiled and said, "B, you can call me daddy if you want." You didn't hesitate.You didn't want to negotiate what all that that would mean. And you didn't tell me, you told her..
     She chose you, and you chose her.
     It started hard, and over the next five years, it got harder. That impacted our relationship, because it made doing things as not parents impossible. One of us had to be with her so that one of us could go out. I've done what work I could, at home, but not being able to get a good job impacted my self-esteem greatly, and created imbalances in our relationship that I didn't know how to tackle. So I did the most normal thing: I got a huge dog and proceeded to walk it for miles every day. I went crazy for all the things I could control to make up for all the things I couldn't. And you never made me feel bad for any of it.
     You know, you might've been the absolutely least commitment-phobic person I have ever met. You were never afraid in any situation just to see where the hell things would end up. I think out of all the science questions you answered for me, all the logic skills you shared with me, all the goofy silliness that we have in common, the not needing to even have a glimmer of the end point is the most important thing you have taught me. I had that when I was younger, but I lost it somewhere between the sick kid and school and single parenthood. That is what I will take away from knowing you, and the thing that will be a deal killer in any future (very future) relationships. "Dude, if you can't put on wings, bells, and a purple tutu and just go see what's up for the day, well, this is never going to work out."

I'm pretty sure OKCupid does not have a test for that.

I miss you. B misses you. I am sorry that you died. So many people are sorry that you died. You were a beautiful person, and I am happy to have known you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for loving B. We love you back.